in the room

 

What isn't talked about in the blog world, what I see and feel and remind myself about are the missed connections. The desire to connect, the desire to be heard and recognized can be fierce. There are times when there's synchronicity with another through the world wide web and then you meet in real life and it's not there. Or you have your first phone call after months of emailing and commenting and the conversation falls short. 

I've been around long enough to know that I'm not alone in having felt this way and I also know that these happenings leave lingering regret that clings to new stories in the most insidious ways. 

We are all doing our best to do the best that we can on any given day. I truly believe that and know that there are days, weeks even, when the best that I can do is definitely not a representation of my best self.

And yet, it is what it is. I like to believe that there are lessons to be found in each missed connection once I look past my ego and feelings and into what is right in front of me. 

I also believe that it's not over until it's over. Nothing is absolute. A missed connection can turn into a reconnection, a genuine bond strengthened by what has been weathered. 

wordless

Sometimes a photo says everything you need. 

word up

The word I chose for 2012 isn't my word. I've realized that it's more of an evocation than a motif and it started me down the path of speculation. Suddenly I found myself wondering about choosing a word for the year, calling bullshit on myself and doubting whether it had ever worked for me. I know that choosing words has worked for me, (especially last year), just like I know that the word I chose isn't my word for 2012.

I loved this post on this new-to-me blog, and in the comments someone mentioned a book, The Warrior of Light, and I thought about it all afternoon, about the image of a warrior of light. It resonated deeply, the idea of choosing a way you want to walk in the world, a way to help you define who you are, but it feels like someone else's idea and journey and this year, I really need to stand on my own.  

Walking back from the beach Saturday morning, rambling around in my thoughts, my word popped into my head and it was so obviously the right word, I didn't need to think about it any longer. The word I need for 2012 is a word I find hard to use especially in description about myself. I dance away from the word, choosing to deflect and ignore what my heart so desperately wants to embrace.

This year my self-confidence and ability to use this word will be challenged. The word that wasn't my own this year, (glow), can act as a tool to guide me, just as walking in this world as a warrior of light will help me navigate the waters and take possession.

list no. 4 :: 5 things, right now

1. I am in love with this gold frame film, even if it doesn't always love me back. (Impossible film can be a fickle bitch, it's a fact.)
2. I need a reason to get out of the house. Even though nothing is essentially different in my day to day, because I was in a holding pattern, (waiting to take my exam, waiting to start my acupuncture practice), it felt different. Now...this...this isn't good. I need a reason to get out of the house, stat, and I'm going to take a class, (hopefully Spanish), while I'm figuring things out.
3. I've been reading a lot, insomnia has me reading a lot, and just finished my third novel in the new year,  no. 29 on my list. It's the single best thing about not working right now, having the time to devour books.  
4. I believe in the healing powers of rocks and crystals and I love nothing more than wearing them around my neck. My sister used to tease me that I'd become a hippy as I got older and I was always quick to remind her that she gave me my first crystal necklace for my twenty-first birthday. Nowadays I'm obsessed with crystal bullet casing necklaces. I have two with brass colored casings that I love and wear all the time. I just found a shop on Etsy that has silver casings and found two necklaces that will soon come my way. 
5. Back when I was a kid, there were maps to the stars homes sold on almost every street corner in Hollywood. Nowadays, there are gimmicky bus tours and I'm going on the craziest today. I know it's cheeza louisa but I've always wanted to do something like this and finally, I've found someone to do it with! 

when you need more than a good quote

I had an acupuncture treatment on Tuesday. "Call me when you need me again..." she said last August and it wasn't until over the holidays that I began to feel the pull. An intuitive practitioner, there are crystals under all of the treatment tables and her way of helping me has always been based on healing the mental that is creating the physical. 

Renewed of faith and on the mend from physical symptoms that arose from all the stress of the holidays, I scheduled a return visit for next week, knowing that a few treatments will gently set me back on my way. 

These days I find myself looking, searching really, for something tangible. My acupuncturist described me as a girl in transition; closing big doors and accepting loss, (no longer practicing acupuncture), inside of losing my sister. 

My lady of the needles focused her intention with my treatment on forward movement and you all know how I love to toot on that horn. As much as change scares me, it's stagnation that terrifies. Complacency out of necessity is one thing, but choosing it because it's the path of least resistance is not living, at least for me. And now I realize that I was going through the motions of becoming licensed here in California because I didn't know what else to do.

Because I am a do-er. As much as I love being a mother, it has never been my dream to stay at home to raise her and tend my family. I like to work. Earning my own money fills me with pride and I've felt lost ever since I declared my intention to retire. My not working here in California was always temporary until that moment it wasn't any longer. 

I am not complaining. I'm lucky to be in this position and I like that this is my biggest worry. But here it is: it's the free-floating ideas that keep me up at night. My dreams and desires for myself and my family seem too much to ask for, so I keep them inside, holding them close to the vest, when all I'm really doing is making excuses out of safety nets.